Apr 14

Matzah Man

Posted by Matty

Matzah Man – A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man…who does not exist.

In the spirit of Easter, I cleaned up this article about the crackerman. Not a new story, just brought it over from the old site.


Before I start, I want you to look at the picture on the right for at least 10 seconds. It’s true, I’m not secretly timing you or anything, but why cheat yourself??

If you are reading this sentence, I am going to assume that you didn’t actually look at the picture above for the full 10 seconds. Otherwise, your head would’ve exploded from confusion.

I bought “matzi” (as he likes to be called) at my local Albertson’s grocery store. He was in the seasonal aisle. I don’t remember how much he was, because he was a total impulse buy. He probably was in the range of 2-3 bonez.

There’s a fair amount of mystery surrounding Matzah Man…
Why was he with the Easter stuff at the store?
Why does he look like Sponge Bob Square Pants?
Why…? There are just so many more questions…

First off, I looked at the package. From this, I discovered a couple of interesting facts that I needed to write down.

Fact #1: He was bendable. That piece of information didn’t take long for me to discover.

Facts #2-5: All in all, a dangerous guy. He was a choking hazard. He was completely off-limits for children under three. He was linked to an outfit named Shulsinger judaica ltd.

So far, I really had nothing on this guy. I needed to get him out of his safe cardboard and plastic home and find some answers.

Right off, I noticed that he was not very well crafted. I resisted the urge to choke on the arm. I was able to slide the hand right back on, and he was good as new.


Then, there were the tennis shoes… many people would simply accept the shoes, but I do not. Why is there a red dot? Would I be out of line to call them “stigmata sneakers?” Is this an attempt to align themselves with the 7-up Spot? I don’t really know.


After all this work, I had only had more questions, and not answers. I turned to the only source of information that had never let me down. google.

There is a book about Matzah Man here.

You can buy your own Matzah Man here. It is just like mine. Maybe you can ask for one without stigmata shoes.

Finally I got the entire scoop from a guy that I work with. Matzah is an unleavened bread (similar to a cracker) that was eaten by the Hebrews during Passover. It still has religious significance today. He was unable to explain the similarity to Sponge Bob Square Pants. Perhaps some things should remain a mystery.


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