Dec 5

I have found another commercial that I enjoy. I’ll be honest, I’ve watched this one at least 15 times and I still find new layers of sublety and subtext. This commercial has everything: skeet shooting, cowboy lamps, and 80′s power ballad hair.

You can’t resist. Why try?

Take a look at the commercial below. That may be all you need. The commercial does all of the heavy lifting on this one, so you may not need to read my witty retorts.

Do you really need my comments on this one? All right, here we go.

Did I mention I really like the lamp?

INTERIOR – DAY – RUMPUS ROOM
(Mid shot of a couple sitting on a couch holding hands. The room is a wood-grained suburban rumpus room, replete with an awesome cowboy lamp)

JANICE
It really saved our marriage.

CLEM
We couldn’t find a single activity we liked to do together

Really? You couldn’t’ think of even one activity? Not even collecting kitschy lamps? I’ll be honest… the real star of this commercial is that lamp. It’s just beautiful.

Pull!

EXTERIOR – DAY – BACKYARD

JANICE (V.O)
He’s so into his skeet shooting.

CLEM
(action shot) Pull!

Wow… that’s a fantastic skeet-shootin’ hat if I ever seen one. Though, let’s be honest, if you’re doing this in your suburban back yard, it’s more like neighbor-shooting, and less like skeet shooting.

Frankie says, “relax”

INTERIOR – DAY – THE YOGA ROOM
(The yoga room has a lovely view of the beach— Oh wait…I was fooled… it’s just wallpaper. )

JANICE
(new age chimes) And I love my yoga.

Again, a fantastic location shot, that takes us out of the commercial, to the relaxing yoga room, to look at blonde girl midriff. Eternal questions in this shot include: Why is there a lamp growing out of the palm tree, and why doesn’t this girl have a belly button?

At this point, we are almost 20 seconds into the commercial. What the hell are they trying to sell me? What is this product X, where the key demographic is couples with cowboy fetishes who enjoy yoga and skeet shooting?

INTERIOR – DAY – RUMPUS ROOM

JANICE
I mean, Dungeons and Dragons always sounded like so much fun, but with that 20-sided die? I thought, ‘oh, brother.”

Ahh… product X has something to do with D&D. There’s so much wrong with this statement. If you think that D&D sounds like fun, there’s obviously something very wrong with you. The 20-sided die is what threw you? Really?

CLEM
And all those manuals…

JANICE
But that’s where the book comes in.

So, you didn’t like the manuals, so you’re going to buy a book? Oh, it seems that you were stymied at the old logical thinkin’ pass there, cowgirl.

I’m getting sick of both of you. I hope that a new character is introduced soon in this epic commercial. Maybe an expert DnD player? No-wait… if they used one of those, then they wouldn’t sell any books. How about a Xena Warrior Princess knockoff with power ballad hair.

INTERIOR OR EXTERIOR… REALLY NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE
(Scene changes to warrior princess. Art composites provided by Mrs. Watkin’s 3rd grade advanced art class.)

Xena’s lawyers would like a word with you, ma’am

WARRIOR PRINCESS WITH POWER BALLAD HAIR

Have you ever wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons, but were too intimidated to try?

No. thanks. But while I’ve got you here WPwPBH, I just wanted to make a generally snarky comment about your warrior ugg boots and your boyfriend Alley oop. I’m done now, so, please continue.

WPwPWH
You are not alone.

Yes, actually you are. That’s why you’re watching G4 late at night—oh, dang, perhaps I share too much. But don’t fear, overweight guy who still lives at home, you can have a thriving social life, just by playing D&D.

WPwPBH
D &D is a hugely popular pastime that lets you ride your imagination into a mythical world full of beasts and sorcery. But many people think that D&D is too complicated -not to worry, friends.

Who thinks it’s too hard? I don’t understand! And hands down, those are some of the worst drawn unicorns I’ve ever seen. And believe you me, I’ve seen some pretty bad unicorns. But, I suppose, contracting out to third graders for the artwork… you get what you pay for.

WPwPBH
D&D for Dummies makes it fun and easy, giving you all you need to play, including ready-made characters and maps.

INTERIOR – DAY – RUMPUS ROOM

CLEM
D and D for Dummies hooked it up. It gave me the confidence I needed to begin my journey, from first level barbarian to epic-level dungeon master.

JANICE
And it gave us something fun and creative – that we can do together

(Besides the one thing in the back of the Volkswagen)

CLEM
Ha ha, that too.

FADE TO BLACK

This is my new favorite commercial. True, I don’t get out much, but darnit, this commercial is fantastic. Someone with vision, insight and a sweet looking cowboy lamp had a dream and made it a reality.

In a pathetic attempt to deflect a cease and desist letter, I should also mention that the book in the commercial, actually has had positive reviews, and if you collect lamps, and shoot skeet in your backyard, I highly suggest that you go out and buy this book.

It’s true, my old favorite commercial has been shunned for this new goodness. Go mock it and make it feel inadequate here.

5 Responses to “My new favorite stupida commercial (with video goodness)”

  1. Rachel Says:

    This can not be a real commercial. I refuse to think there is this much wrong with the world. Please give me faith in humanity and tell me this is some kind of Internet joke. Please.
    -Rachel

  2. J Says:

    Hmmm.
    I could think of my own role playing game for her… Wouldn’t involve a 20 sided die.

    “Hooked it up” – ridiculous…

    J

  3. Pamelalala Says:

    Personally I think this book is a great idea. And I lover her breasts of steel.

  4. VaxGirl Says:

    I may be wrong, but I think Janice once got gonhorrea from a tractor on “Seinfeld”…

  5. Joey Bananas Says:

    Y’know, maybe I need this book, since I have no idea what a first-level ball-barian is… (consults his old-school THAC0 charts..)

    And is that regulation skeet-wear?

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