Dear Airlines,

I know that you've been having some financial trouble since September, 2001. I know that you've been forced to tighten your belts, and are having real trouble turning a profit. It's never fun to have to worry about money. Hopefully you're not having to serve Ramen noodles in the corporate cafeteria.

Don't worry, I have some suggestions on how you can make it better.

I think that your biggest problem is the name. Let go of the past. Air travel used to suggest romantic and exciting travel. I suggest the name Skybus. You might be able to merge with Greyhound. The service and accomodations are identical. ("Would you like to book a skybus or a groundbus today?") By combining the sky and ground, you will be able to leverage more buying power for things like seats, and toilet paper. Buying in bulk will save you money in the long run.

So here's the deal. I know a little about marketing and business (very little), and I would love to help you out. So here are some tips for you. Don't worry, I'm not going to charge you for my advice. These are absolutely free.

Tip 1

Stop alienating your passengers. You've tried that. It doesn't work. That's why you are begging taxpayers to bail your sorry butt out of bankruptcy -again. Try treating your passengers like they pay your paycheck, because they do. You know what... I bet it wouldn't even be bad to give folks a full soda sometimes.

Tip 2

Want to save money? Don't reduce the salaries of your pilots and sky waiters. That makes me feel nervous - and it makes them angry drunks. Instead, take the bonus away from the guy who suggested that you don't give people full cans of soda. Trust me, nobody likes that guy.

Instead, I would focus your restructo beam at the layers and levels of middle-management and useless corporate folks that probably haven't done any work since 1995 (Windows95 with Solitaire). I know, it seems weird to make internal cuts instead of screwing your customer base, but don't worry. It will only sting a little. Besides, it's fairly obvious that the pilots and sky waiters didn't cause the problems that you're having now. I think that you need to look within yourself for the culprit.

Tip 3

Nobody reads the in-flight magazine. Unless it makes money, dump it. I hate SkyMall too, but I am sure that there is are people who want to pay $300 for a limited edition Lord of the Rings chess set. Normally, people with this severe of a head injury aren't allowed to fly, but I have faith.

Tip 4

Become a corporate whore. --- I mean, more of an obvious corporate whore. Some people look at a plane and see an aluminum tube of death and recycled air (yuck). I see a billboard. Sell ad space on the side of the plane.

Tip 5

Give up on the snacks. Nobody likes pretzels. Instead offer real food -and - charge for it. I wouldn't mind paying $10 for a meal on a plane. This serves another purpose of giving the skywaiters something to do during the flights. They really look bored after they get done handing out the pretzels. They just hit the bottle, and talk about their latest pay cuts.

Tip 6

Stop promoting an in-flight caste system. I mean really, most of the people sitting in first-class are frequent flyer upgrades anyway. You wouldn't be losing revenue. Plus think how many normal sized seats you can cram in there! Maybe you wouldn't need to overbook flights anymore. Finally you'd have enough seats. Woo!

Tip 6

Stop blaming all of your problems on September 11. I used to work for a really horrible hotel company and they did the same thing. I'm sure that it caused some problems for a while, but we're going on three years now. Stop blaming all of your problems on others.

Tip 7

Stop trying to get the American public to bail you out. Money won't help you, you'll just waste it... I know you. If you go out of business due to reckless mismanagement, we'll get over it. There are apparently many ways to travel these days.

Good Luck. I hope that you take my advice. Of course, I'm not too interested in air travel anymore (another irate customer). Nanc and I are going to try Amtrak for the next few vacations. What? -- You're absolutely right. It does take longer to get somewhere by train. But, you know what? I don't really care. I'm not in that big of a hurry to go someplace. Half the fun is getting there. Well, unless you get up at 4 a.m. to go wait in a line at the airport, get probed in the name of National Security, wait in another line, try to locate your dignity in the overhead bin... but I digress.

Some of the things that interest me about the trains... You can get a sleeper. It's like having your own mini-mini hotel room. There's a dining car, where you can go and eat food. The trains have regular routes that are easy to understand. The trains have exciting names like California Zephyr and Sunset Limited. How cool is that??

Best Fishes,
Matty Bonez