We know. It's hot and bright out. The heat saps your energy and the sun? The sun, she causes wrinkles in the corners of your eyes. (Not that they're noticable on you. YOU look loverly and well-rested.)

So come into the shade, just to cool off and rest a while. Maybe leave when it's not so hot and blinding out.

Well, since you're here, can we offer you a beverage? Something nice and refreshing, perhaps with a little bite to it? Oh sure, we have our tasty limeade that will surely quench your thirst. But perhaps I can recommend one of our house drinks instead?

There are two fine drinks that we are happy to offer you today. Two different tastes for however your desires swing. (Um. In regards to beverages of choice. Don't try the freaky stuff here, mister!) One is a mellow drink, something to wet your palate while you contemplate... oh, PEZ ,'puters or other guy stuff. The other is a party drink: fruity, icy, and fun. This'll get your girl-drink-drunk on.

Daddy Likes!

While I'm sure that my drink probably has a real name, I'm far too lazy to do the work required to look it up. I'm also a little unclear about the actual origins of the name, though I have a couple of fairly good guesses. Continue on, gentle reader.

This is a guy drink and will never be confused with a girl drink drunk. A decorative paper umbrella would not be comfortable in this drink. Am I making myself clear? I think the name is kinda based on that the whole 'guyness' of the drink. It's something that you would suspect the Beav's dad (you know, Mr. Beaver) would drink after work; a daddy drink.

Of, course, I don't mean to exclude... If it sounds good, try it. I assure, it hits the spot.

Ingredient list

• A good, heavy glass. It makes it that much better. Plus, no matter what your friends say, it's never cool to drink out of your hands.
• Ice - Also known as 'rocks', this item is available in better freezers everywhere. You will need 3-4 cubes. These are essential for cooling and provide something neato for you to look at when you swirl your glass.
• Scotch - no need for top shelf. Any non-rotgut blended scotch is fine. Dewar's is mine.
• Vernor's ginger ale - Vernor's is a hometown favorite. In a pinch, I suppose any other would work...probably not just as well.

Assembly Instructions (in biblical format)

1. The ice shall rain upon the glass mightily. Verily the ice shall swirl about the glass and smite all heat from the glass.
2. Blessed is the Scotch, for it shall inherit the lower portion of the glass. 1 cubit (or ounce, I suppose), though not graven in stone, is recommended. On some nights, the Scotch may be fruitful and multiply.
3. And he replied, "It matters not if the can be half full or half empty, as long as half the Vernor's is in the glass."
4. On the seventh day, he rested, and swirled the ice in his Scotch. And it was good.

TAY-stee

Moving on, the the fairer of the house drinks is 'What rhymes with orange.' I know it sounds silly, but have a few of them and you're sure to agree that the name is perfect. The origin of this is simple. I suggested it, and thought it was witty. Nanc, found it non-hilarity inducing. We had to call the drink something in the meantime...but it stayed in there and fought valiantly, and now 'what rhymes with orange' is the official drink name.

It doesn't always happen this way. Sometimes my witty names are blatantly disregarded. Case in point. A couple of years ago, we procured a full size skeleton, similar to those used in biology class. The reason we needed a skeleton is another tangent for another day. I considered many possible names for before it hit me. "Napoleoon Bone-Apart", I thought as I tittered to myself. Nancy's reaction was much like that of a wall. "Not funny. No, not funny at all." In the end, the name in the skeleton supply company catalog was chosen instead and "Bucky" was named. Not that I'm um.. bitter about this, or that i think that my name was, like, way better or anything... um.... But I digress, and here we are probably wondering where the drink recipe is.

Ingredient list

• You need beverage bric-a-brac, such as paper umbrellas. This is one situation where more is more, and less is lame. Just like your mother always tolds you, "You need lots of cool toys in your booze." -- Your Mom didn't say that?
• Small pieces of fruit are an optional luxury. If you have something citrus-y, it will work. These are needed to keep your fancy stir stick and umbrellas from sinking to the bottom of your glass.
• You also need a comfortable glass, such as a good tiki glass that will support all of the fancy drink stirrers. Don't use a dainty one like the glass in the picture. That's what we use to sucker the rubes who look at the pictures, but don't actually read the article. Ha! We screwed them!
• Ice of any variety. For a high-falootin' drink, use crushed.
• 1 shot of 43, a tasty Spanish vanilla liqueur.
• 1 shot of vodka-nothin' funny here.
• 2 shots (give or take) of orange juice - This will provide essential vitamins.
• Half a can of Vernor's ginger ale - You know, if you check, you might have half a can hanging out from a daddy drink.

Assembly instructions

1. Mix the ice, 43, vodka, OJ, and Vernor's in the glass.
2. Garnish with fruit chunks, or doodads. Suggested doodads include: monkeys with fezzes stirsticks, plastic pink elephants, tiny paper lanterns on sticks, little swords or spears, wee tiny plastic mermaids, toothpicks with cellophane on the end, or plastic giraffes.
3. Drink and ponder, "what rhymes with orange?"
4. Repeat.

If we were responsible, we would probably end this article with some sort of "don't drink and drive" or "know when to say when" type thing, but that sounds lame and whiny. Instead, try this one on : "Don't be a moron." I think that about covers it.

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