Typically, the fortunes that await me in the mist of Chinese fortune cookies are likely to make me laugh. Out loud. And if they're not humorous on their own, finishing the line with "in bed" is sure to have me cracking up.

For the past few months I've kept my fortunes because they have been either extraordinarily apt or amazingly wrong. 'Wrong' in the sense that I nearly pee my pants with the whole "in bed" joke. And yes, I'm simple like that.

So without further ado (did you get the preliminary ado?), I present my six most recent cookie fortunes and my commentary:

1. Helping a friend is like helping yourself...in bed. Okay, I'm ALL about this! It seems like a win-win situation. No arguments here! Unless that *friend* happened to get some horribly selfish fortune. And then it's nothing like like helping myself!
2. Sometimes the wisest person is dressed in the rudest clothing...in bed. Um, ... how do they mean "rude?" Like offensive or crude? I looked up rude, and found that there are five very different definitions listed. Some of which really wouldn't be all that bad, if'n ya' know what I mean. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.) Also, this fortune, in the wrong hands, may start some sort of showdown with Matty and I vying for that prestigious "wisest person" title. This is a tricky one.
3. The riches of others makes you more valuable...in bed. I don't even think I needed to add the "in bed" bit to understand that I was just called a whore.
4. The good will you show towards others will return to you...in bed. See number 1. I'm starting to be concerned on how the Chinese restaurant industry perceives me.
5. You will continue to take chances and be glad you did...in bed. Honestly, this one befuddles me a bit. I mean, I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship. What chances? I little more than PDA next time we're grocery shopping? Not hang the love swing from a secure beam, but rather in a random, near-the-wall spot? Ignore his 102° temperature and runny nose? I mean, really!
6. It is better to get something done late than never...in bed. Um,... gotta go!

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